Seek First the Kingdom of God...

Wow, what a long break it's been from writing on my blog! I'm going to take the next few posts to tell you so many things that are on my heart.  I'm so glad to be writing again, and thanks for coming back!

January was such a different month, but it was so worth all of the changes that took place.  Our church participated in the Daniel Fast from Jan 3rd - 23rd.  This is a fast that includes eating only fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts and seeds.  It was really difficult at first, but I actually got used to it after the first week. That's incredible for me, considering I was practically addicted to sugar.  (Ok...more than practically!) I actually haven't had any sugar since then, and I don't even crave it anymore.  That's amazing.  For those of you who know me, you know just how amazing that is!

The last time I fasted, I had such great revelations from God, so I was expecting the same thing this time around.  This fast turned out completely different, though.  I had my list of things that I wanted God to speak to me about, and I focused on them daily.  It seemed like almost every day was met with struggle, feelings of condemnation, less time to spend with God than usual, and many other struggles.  I felt so frustrated, because I wanted to hear from God, and all I was doing was feeling angry all the time.  God WAS doing something though; I just didn't see it at the time.  When I would find myself extremely frustrated and ready to give up on the fast, I found myself getting online (when that was one of the things that I gave up for the fast), and I wasted time away by just clicking on "this and that" to pass the time and numb my heart.

Hmmm.....

So it took me until after my fast was over to realize that I tend to use the internet to numb my feelings when I've had enough of life, kids, responsibilities, and whatever else is giving me too much stress at the moment.  I broke my promise to God to not get online to look at unnecessary things (blogs, Facebook, etc), but I did it "a little bit" (like that didn't count, or something!) when I was overwhelmed.  I also know it was God who pointed this out to me after the fast, because I felt convicted, not condemned.  It was like God was saying, "Hey, look at this... Why do you suppose you did that?..." 

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" (Matthew 6:33).

God has been showing me since the fast that when we focus on our problems, it causes our problems to be in the center of our vision.  I heard an example of this the other day that made so much sense to me.  If you're driving your car and want to make sure you avoid hitting the guard rail, the last thing you want to do is FOCUS on the guard rail.  If you focus on it, you will end up guiding your steering wheel over in that direction and hitting it!  This is the same concerning the things in our lives that we want to change.  If we focus on them first, instead of God first, they will become the center of our vision.  We want God to be the center of our vision, not our problems. 

This may sounds simple and somewhat obvious, but I realized that during my fast I kept telling God every day what I wanted delivered from, etc.  My focus was more on what I wanted changed than on God, Himself. 

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" (Matthew 6:33).

If we focus on God first, we will receive everything we need.  Yes, we need to pray and ask God for these things.  But after that, we need to know that God remembers our prayers and wants us to focus on Him in the meantime! 

Have you been focusing on God first, or focusing on what you want Him to fix?

Lord, God, please show me when I am putting other things before you.  If I seek You first, You will give me everything I need.  I don't need to keep asking you and focusing on when You will heal me and fix everything I see wrong in myself.  You will take care of it in Your own time as I focus on You.  Thank you, Jesus, for this revelation!

Great Expectations

Happy New Year!  I'm so excited about some of the things that I have planned for this year, and specifically for this upcoming month.  I'm setting January aside for a time of prayer, fasting, and worshipping God, and I'm completely looking forward to it!  I'm going to be taking a break from blogging for a few weeks, because I am going to be focusing on 2 other things that I'm excited to tell you about...

My pastors and several others from our church are going to be doing the 21-day Daniel Fast this month (starting tomorrow), and my husband and I will be joining them. I've done the Daniel Fast before, but it was a 10-day fast, not a full 21-days. After looking back at my experience before, I was feeling pretty good after Day #4.  The first 4 days were the most difficult for me, but I felt fine after that.  Besides fasting from certain foods, I'm going to be fasting a few other things:

• The internet (except a few things I must work on during this time) This will be a tough one.
• I'm not going to be posting anything on my blog, writing any future posts or posting on Facebook.
• No movies.

These are the main reasons why I will be fasting:

• To break any strongholds in my life
• To expose any idols in my life
• To clear the "junk" out of my life so I can focus on God more and hear Him better
• Physical and emotional healing
• To prepare my heart for Kairos at the end of January

This brings me to the second opportunity I am so incredibly excited about!  As I mentioned above, I will be attending a Kairos event at the end of January.  My husband and I are very excited about this, and we know that God is leading us to attend this event held through another church's Freedom Ministry.  This event is described as a time set aside for inner healing, breaking strongholds, along with physical, emotional, mental and spiritual healing.  Needless to say (again), I am very excited about this!

I will be back the first full week in February, and I look forward to sharing with you my experiences at Kairos along with anything else that God has stirred up in my heart over this month's time.  I look forward to this next month with hope and great expectation. I'll be back soon!

Picture credit:  dancinginthedarkness.wordpress.com

I'm Back!

I'm back! You probably didn't even know I was gone!  Actually, I didn't really go anywhere.  I was just staying off of my blog over the last several days.  At the end of April, I was praying about some things that have continually been troubling me.  I was surprised when I was praying one day about these things, and God told me to fast!  I haven't ever fasted any more than 1 day, and that was probably before Joshua was born. 

God placed it on my heart to do a 10 day Daniel fast ( which is not a total fast, but includes fruit, veggies, nuts, seeds and some whole grains).  I was a little nervous to start this, because I had never done it before.  I knew I couldn't do a total fast, because my blood sugar would drop too low.  Then, 2 days into my fast, my husband went to NY due to a death in the family.  I was a little hesitant to continue, because I wasn't feeling so great in the beginning.  The thought of taking care of the kids for 3 days without any help (while fasting) didn't sound so great to me!  I decided to continue, though, because I chose to believe that God would give me the grace that I needed.  I knew that he wanted me to fast, so I did.  I also decided that I wasn't going to be spending much time on the computer during this time, unless it was just a few minutes or something that was necessary (bills/budget, etc.). 

Here are some of the reasons that I decided to fast:

1. To break my emotional connection to food. 
2. For God to show me what idols I have in my life (computer, etc.) so I can put HIM first.   ----(Notice, I already knew about the computer!)
3. To develop a closer walk and relationship with God.
4. To break any strongholds that I have.

I journaled during most of these days, and I wanted to include some of that.  I find it interesting, looking back, how each day was so different.

DAY 1

I feel horrible today (emotionally).  Kevin's uncle passed away, and that's probably part of it.  I feel so apprehensive about this fast.  My life has seemed so out of control lately. What if I don't hear from God during these 10 days?  Despite feeling so terrible, I spent a lot of time with God today.  I read some of Daniel and Romans.  I actually feel pretty good, physically.

DAY 2 

I woke up early to pray, and the kids were already awake.  It was difficult to concentrate, but not impossible.  I have a headache today, but that's ok.  I was expecting to have it yesterday.  I feel tired and foggy this morning.  I think I have a study book on Romans, and I want to read that if I can find it.  God is really showing me that when I focus on Him, my problems seem small.  Kevin is going to NY for 3 days, and I'm a little unsure about keeping this up when I feel so bad.  I keep praying for grace.  I have been wanting to spend so much time on the computer.  I also miss eating things other than fruits and vegetables.  For some reason, I keep thinking about cheese.  I've had a headache all day!  I guess I shouldn't drink so much Mt. Dew.  (No kidding.)

DAY 3

I am just reminded that the closer I am to God, the more my life will be in balance.  That should be obvious, but I guess it's something that my heart is starting to "get".  For some reason, I feel like my sins are worse than everyone else's.  This has caused me to magnify them.  Then, I start focusing on how big they seem.  God wants me to focus on Him, not my sins. 

DAY 4

I really wish I could have some eggs, chicken or cheese.  Maybe I'm not getting enough protein?  I can't eat nuts & seeds all day, though.  I'm actually not even hungry.  I'm bored, though.  I need to eat healthier for myself and my family.  Tomorrow starts day #3 by myself with the kids.  It's gone well so far, but I'm tired.

DAY 5

I feel so clear and refreshed this morning!  I'm really determined to keep eating healthy, exercising, and losing this weight.  I'm not going to exercise during the fast, but I'll start up again afterwards.  The computer has taken up a lot of my time.  I didn't realize how much until now.  I want a richer, fuller life.

DAY 6

Back to the subject of sin, again.  I was talking to Kevin about this, and I'm realizing so much more now.  I'm always going to sin.  It's only through Jesus that I'm righteous.  I could do everything "perfect" one day, and I'd still be as sinful as the day before.

DAY 8

I feel great (physically) today!  I've also lost 7 lbs., so that helps!  This fast is getting much easier.  I'm eating to fuel my body now, that's it.  My blood sugar is also much lower and stable now.  It hasn't been going up and down all day, so I feel so much better.

DAY 10

God has really shown me a lot these last 10 days.  I have idolized food and the computer.  He has also shown me that my sins are no worse than anyone else's.  Now I'm realizing that I don't need to magnify them.  I just need to ask for forgiveness and move on.  I also need to eat much healthier, because I'm about 1 step away from diabetes.  I have to eat healthier (which means no simple carbs, except for fruit, for me!) and lose this weight before that happens. 

-----------

God is so faithful!  I am so glad that I completed this fast.  It showed me so much about myself and my relationship with God and my family.  I have been so easily distracted by the computer.  I love reading blogs.  I actually subscribed to about 20 of them in my feeds, and I would check every couple of days for updates.  I cut down that list to 6 of them.  I'm also only going to be on the computer during certain times of the day, and I'm not going to be on it when Joshua's awake.

As for eating better, well...I have to whether I like it or not.  I haven't even really ate that terribly, but I just can't eat those carbs.  My doctor told me that the more weight I lose, the less insulin resistant I will become.  I'm hoping and praying that my body will someday get back to looking and acting normal again.

I've also realized that I make my relationship with God much more difficult than it needs to be.  I'm much tougher on myself (in some areas) than I need to be.  I just need to make the time to spend with Him when I can.  I need to make sure that I still am getting up before anyone else in the mornings to do this, because that's the only time that works.  I'm also realizing that I can so easily include God in my whole day, even while playing with Joshua.  I have been making many attempts to bring Him into the conversation while Joshua and I are doing something.  This is time spent with God!  I always used to look at time spent with God only being when I was by myself (or in church, of course).  I'm making much more of an effort to realize that He wants to be involved in all of the "non-spiritual" things that I do all day while home with my children.

Thank you, Jesus, for being so faithful.  Thank you for being so reachable.  Your still small voice is so much clearer to me now.