I'm Back!

I'm back! You probably didn't even know I was gone!  Actually, I didn't really go anywhere.  I was just staying off of my blog over the last several days.  At the end of April, I was praying about some things that have continually been troubling me.  I was surprised when I was praying one day about these things, and God told me to fast!  I haven't ever fasted any more than 1 day, and that was probably before Joshua was born. 

God placed it on my heart to do a 10 day Daniel fast ( which is not a total fast, but includes fruit, veggies, nuts, seeds and some whole grains).  I was a little nervous to start this, because I had never done it before.  I knew I couldn't do a total fast, because my blood sugar would drop too low.  Then, 2 days into my fast, my husband went to NY due to a death in the family.  I was a little hesitant to continue, because I wasn't feeling so great in the beginning.  The thought of taking care of the kids for 3 days without any help (while fasting) didn't sound so great to me!  I decided to continue, though, because I chose to believe that God would give me the grace that I needed.  I knew that he wanted me to fast, so I did.  I also decided that I wasn't going to be spending much time on the computer during this time, unless it was just a few minutes or something that was necessary (bills/budget, etc.). 

Here are some of the reasons that I decided to fast:

1. To break my emotional connection to food. 
2. For God to show me what idols I have in my life (computer, etc.) so I can put HIM first.   ----(Notice, I already knew about the computer!)
3. To develop a closer walk and relationship with God.
4. To break any strongholds that I have.

I journaled during most of these days, and I wanted to include some of that.  I find it interesting, looking back, how each day was so different.

DAY 1

I feel horrible today (emotionally).  Kevin's uncle passed away, and that's probably part of it.  I feel so apprehensive about this fast.  My life has seemed so out of control lately. What if I don't hear from God during these 10 days?  Despite feeling so terrible, I spent a lot of time with God today.  I read some of Daniel and Romans.  I actually feel pretty good, physically.

DAY 2 

I woke up early to pray, and the kids were already awake.  It was difficult to concentrate, but not impossible.  I have a headache today, but that's ok.  I was expecting to have it yesterday.  I feel tired and foggy this morning.  I think I have a study book on Romans, and I want to read that if I can find it.  God is really showing me that when I focus on Him, my problems seem small.  Kevin is going to NY for 3 days, and I'm a little unsure about keeping this up when I feel so bad.  I keep praying for grace.  I have been wanting to spend so much time on the computer.  I also miss eating things other than fruits and vegetables.  For some reason, I keep thinking about cheese.  I've had a headache all day!  I guess I shouldn't drink so much Mt. Dew.  (No kidding.)

DAY 3

I am just reminded that the closer I am to God, the more my life will be in balance.  That should be obvious, but I guess it's something that my heart is starting to "get".  For some reason, I feel like my sins are worse than everyone else's.  This has caused me to magnify them.  Then, I start focusing on how big they seem.  God wants me to focus on Him, not my sins. 

DAY 4

I really wish I could have some eggs, chicken or cheese.  Maybe I'm not getting enough protein?  I can't eat nuts & seeds all day, though.  I'm actually not even hungry.  I'm bored, though.  I need to eat healthier for myself and my family.  Tomorrow starts day #3 by myself with the kids.  It's gone well so far, but I'm tired.

DAY 5

I feel so clear and refreshed this morning!  I'm really determined to keep eating healthy, exercising, and losing this weight.  I'm not going to exercise during the fast, but I'll start up again afterwards.  The computer has taken up a lot of my time.  I didn't realize how much until now.  I want a richer, fuller life.

DAY 6

Back to the subject of sin, again.  I was talking to Kevin about this, and I'm realizing so much more now.  I'm always going to sin.  It's only through Jesus that I'm righteous.  I could do everything "perfect" one day, and I'd still be as sinful as the day before.

DAY 8

I feel great (physically) today!  I've also lost 7 lbs., so that helps!  This fast is getting much easier.  I'm eating to fuel my body now, that's it.  My blood sugar is also much lower and stable now.  It hasn't been going up and down all day, so I feel so much better.

DAY 10

God has really shown me a lot these last 10 days.  I have idolized food and the computer.  He has also shown me that my sins are no worse than anyone else's.  Now I'm realizing that I don't need to magnify them.  I just need to ask for forgiveness and move on.  I also need to eat much healthier, because I'm about 1 step away from diabetes.  I have to eat healthier (which means no simple carbs, except for fruit, for me!) and lose this weight before that happens. 

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God is so faithful!  I am so glad that I completed this fast.  It showed me so much about myself and my relationship with God and my family.  I have been so easily distracted by the computer.  I love reading blogs.  I actually subscribed to about 20 of them in my feeds, and I would check every couple of days for updates.  I cut down that list to 6 of them.  I'm also only going to be on the computer during certain times of the day, and I'm not going to be on it when Joshua's awake.

As for eating better, well...I have to whether I like it or not.  I haven't even really ate that terribly, but I just can't eat those carbs.  My doctor told me that the more weight I lose, the less insulin resistant I will become.  I'm hoping and praying that my body will someday get back to looking and acting normal again.

I've also realized that I make my relationship with God much more difficult than it needs to be.  I'm much tougher on myself (in some areas) than I need to be.  I just need to make the time to spend with Him when I can.  I need to make sure that I still am getting up before anyone else in the mornings to do this, because that's the only time that works.  I'm also realizing that I can so easily include God in my whole day, even while playing with Joshua.  I have been making many attempts to bring Him into the conversation while Joshua and I are doing something.  This is time spent with God!  I always used to look at time spent with God only being when I was by myself (or in church, of course).  I'm making much more of an effort to realize that He wants to be involved in all of the "non-spiritual" things that I do all day while home with my children.

Thank you, Jesus, for being so faithful.  Thank you for being so reachable.  Your still small voice is so much clearer to me now.