Looking back on my life, an incredible amount of my relationships were (and still are) the superficial kind. I've always been quiet around people I don't know, so that has never helped. Or, should I say, it DID help me to keep those same relationships pretty superficial. Why have so many of my relationships been superficial? I've taken some time to think about that as I was preparing to write this post. I'd have to say that most of them were superficial for these reasons:
1) I thought I wouldn't get hurt if I didn't put my heart out there.
2) I thought that if they got to know the "real" me, they would hit the road.
3) It's just easier.
I've noticed the theme of not wanting to get hurt sneaking up in my life again. Actually, it snuck back into my life a long time ago; I just didn't notice. There are a couple of people in my life that I've been guarding my heart against, even though I don't need to. They are some of the most important people in my life! You may be shocked to know that they are: My husband and God.
Shocked? It's true. To begin with Kevin, I obviously don't need to protect my heart from him in the least! He's the most wonderful, loving, and kind husband I could ever imagine! Why would I protect myself from him, then? Well...
As some of you know, I was married once before. We dated for 4 years before we got married (not to mention we worked together for 3 of those years), so it's not like I didn't know him pretty well! VERY soon after we got married, drugs and alcohol took over my ex-husband. It was almost like his drugs were "the other woman". There was room for only one of us in his life. The drugs won. I didn't even have a chance. Paul was once one of the kindest, funniest and loving people I knew. He would have done anything for anyone. He turned into someone else, though, and an overdose unfortunately took his life a couple of years later. I found out so many hurtful things after he died, and I feel like I'm not even really sure that I knew him in the end. After that, I decided that no one was
going to hurt me like that again. I decided that I could take care of myself, not let my guard down, and not ever let someone hurt me so badly again. The problem? I met and married Kevin a few years later. Kevin has been "paying" for Paul's mistakes ever since. I know he shouldn't. I know that it's not fair. I know that it's terrible. It's true, though. My promise to myself ( to never get hurt) has been very difficult to "undo". I feel like I'm always waiting for him to leave. I'm always waiting for him to change. I'm always waiting for the bottom to fall out when I least expect it. This has hurt our relationship so much, and I'm trusting that God will continue to help heal my heart with this so Kevin and I can have the marriage that both of us have prayed for. God is faithful, and I know it will happen! I'm willing to do whatever it takes, so I know that God can work with that!
As I mentioned, I've also been pretty superficial with God over the years. To be honest, I have trouble going "deeper" in my relationship with Him all the time. I'm realizing that I just don't know how to love God like I should. I have been so good at all of this superficial stuff, I don't know how to turn it off sometimes. I know that God wants me to go so much deeper with Him, but I just have trouble figuring out how to do that. I know that I need to read my bible more often and pray more if I want to know Him better. Sometimes I find myself just sitting there thinking to myself, "I'm not doing this right. I don't feel anything." Everything just feels so dry sometimes. It's not about feelings, either. I'm fully aware that I need God's word to go from my head to my heart, and that's the problem. Some of it has obviously gone to my heart, but there's so much more that hasn't. I have a difficult time trusting God sometimes, because (deep down inside) I feel like He might let me down. I know that God cannot possibly ever let anyone down. He is forever faithful. My expectations can be (and have been) let down, though. I guess that's what I'm afraid of.
Have you been able to trust God to take care of your heart? Is your relationship with Him as deep as you would like it to be? One incredible thing to know about God, is that there is no end to the depth of the relationship you can have with Him. There's no end. Once you've gone deeper, you can still go further. How great is that? There's always more of Him.
Jesus, I thank you for reminding me that I can trust you. I need to trust you. Trusting you will also enable me to let my guard down with others and develop the Godly relationships that you want me to have. Thank you for always guarding my heart!
Picture credit given to my dear friend, Mary, @ www.royal-forest.blogspot.com
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5 comments:
Thank you for sharing Amy. I never really knew what happened with Paul. He was a sweet guy. Having an alcoholic father who chose alcohol over his family and ultimately over his life I understand the walls that you put up. I put them up too! And my wonderful husband has had to endure my many, many emotions related to my father's actions. I'm still a work in progress too! : )
That you are willing to pour out and admit your feelings in this post is a valient step toward moving on and forgiving.
I pray that you search your heart to see if you have truly forgiven Paul.
I know that when we surrender our feelings of hurt, abandonment, rejection, etc. (whatever else the Holy Spirit reveals) to the Lord...He can truly heal and restore those ancient ruins.
May you find your strength in HIM...He is more than enough!
God bless you:)
Good afternoon, I found you through The Frugal Homeschooling Mom.
As a child of 2 former addicts I can say I have a full knowledge of those awful feelings that drugs can bring to a family. I am proud to say that my mother has made a complete turn around in her life's direction. Her Christian faith has been restored, she will celebrate her 4th clean and sober year this September, and she now runs a home for women struggling with addiction.
I would like to know, with your permission, if I can print both this entry and your guest post on TFHM, to share with these women. Things like this offer "her girls" (as she calls them) a view of their families feelings and the stuggles they faced while watching the ones they love try to get their lives straight. Sometimes it's exactly what they need to mend the broken road between them and their family. We have reunited girls with their parents, children, aunts, uncles, and other family - sometimes after as much as 10 years! I thank you for shedding light on the other side of addiction, the view from the family.
May your day be Blessed and full of JOY!
Randi,
You most certainly have my permission to print this post and my guest post on "The Frugal Homeschooling Mom". I give Deana several posts at a time to post at her leisure, so I didn't even realize which one she had up today until you mentioned it! That's amazing how God lined that right up! I think it's wonderful what you and your mom are doing! Even though it's sometimes painful for me to share things about Paul, your comment reminds me of Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
I love you beautiful girl. I am really proud of you, and so happy that God gifted me with you.
-Kevin
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