My Path To Freedom (part 2 of 3)

This post is part 2 of 3.  If you didn't read the first post, click HERE to start at the beginning... 

Several months later, I started dating Paul, whom I would marry four years later. On the outside it looked like I had moved on and was able to put that relationship behind me. On the inside, I found myself struggling in ways that I never thought I would. Actually, back then I wouldn’t have called it a struggle. I was one of the most liberal people around, and I figured there was no harm in “going with the flow” with whatever came my way. For example, Paul would rent porn movies, and I would watch them with him. That became a very normal thing for us to do. I would also find porn magazines that he had hidden and, out of curiosity, I would look at them. I didn’t notice what was slowly happening. I was reprogramming my mind to look at women differently. I started to see women in a sexual way. I was opening myself up to things that would affect me for many years to come. I just didn’t realize it.

Paul and I got married, and we divorced the following year. I went back to church, because I wanted my life to get back in order. I heard about a church service that was contemporary and geared towards young adults, so I started going there. I remember the pastor giving a message on homosexuality, and I sat there feeling angry with him for being so judgmental and narrow-minded. About 6 months after I started going back to church, I gave my life to Jesus. My life rapidly started to change. Unfortunately, four months later, my ex-husband died of a drug overdose.  My whole world, as I knew it, was turned upside down.  It was at that time that I learned one thing about God that I will never forget. Even when life seems so unsure, and people let you down, God never changes. He is always faithful. He is always just. His love for us will never fade.

After I became a born again Christian, I started looking at my life so differently. I knew that if I were ever going to get married again, he would have to be a man who loved God with all of his heart. I soon met Kevin and we married four years later. My life had changed so much since becoming a born again believer, but there were still so many things from my past that would haunt me. My spirit had been re-born, but my flesh (my mind, will and emotions) was still programmed to react the same way it did before I was saved. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” I had learned so much about the bible; yet I was not renewing my mind with it. James 1:22 says, “But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.” I could easily repeat many verses from the bible, but I was not living out that truth by experience. Knowing the Word of God does not do us any good if we don’t put it into practice!

Here I was, married to a wonderful, attractive, Godly man, and I would find myself looking at websites I shouldn’t look at. I would have to fight with these continual thoughts that would come pounding into my head. I would start having these terrible dreams for nights in a row that were just as bad as the movies I used to watch. I would wake up feeling like I had done all of these terrible things, when it was all just a dream. This went on for months, and finally I had to say something to Kevin. He knew about the relationship that I had several years ago, but he did not know the extent of what I was dealing with. I didn’t even seem to know the extent of what I was dealing with, because I tried so hard to ignore it all the time. He was so good about talking to me about it all (as uncomfortable as it was) when I was feeling overwhelmed. It was very difficult at times (as you could imagine), because I didn’t want Kevin to think that this had anything to do with him. This had nothing to do with me not being attracted to him. This was an issue in my life long before I met and fell in love with him. I love him, and he is everything I have ever wanted in a husband! Kevin just kept pointing me back to Jesus, and I could not have asked for anything more from him! The problem was, I kept shoving it down further and further, and it kept coming back up. At this point, it was bubbling over, and I confessed this to Kevin (and my pastor) because I felt like my life was starting to spiral out of control. One thing I have learned is that ignoring it doesn't work.

Certain questions have always haunted me, like “How did that happen in the first place?” “How do I prevent myself from feeling that way about somebody again?” “How can I ever have a close friend again without starting to feel something I shouldn’t?” “Am I bi-sexual?” “Why can’t I just move on?” After talking to my pastor about all of this (a few times!), I have realized the difference between temptation and sin. It’s not a sin to be tempted. Jesus was tempted all the time, but He never sinned. This has lifted a HUGE weight of guilt off of me that never should have been there in the first place. As I once mentioned in a previous post of mind (Do You Have A Secret Sin?), my pastor once told me that when Satan tempted Jesus, He didn’t ignore it. When Satan tempted Jesus, Jesus did not choose to ignore him and look the other way. Jesus didn’t look away (like He didn’t hear anything) and say, “Wow! Look at those pretty flowers in the field over there!” No, of course He didn’t do that! Jesus would fight back with the Word. That’s what I’ve been learning how to do. That’s what God has given me (and you) the ability to do when we are up against something that seems bigger than we are. The truth is it may be bigger than we are. It isn’t bigger than God is, though, and that’s why we have to go to Him. He will give you the armor to fight your battles!

So why am I writing this post?  I’m writing, because this is something that I’ve struggled with for a very long time. What am I struggling with? The only way I can think to describe it is in comparison to a panic attack. I’ve never had a panic attack, but I know people who have. The first panic attack is bad enough. But then the fear of having another one is just as bad (if not worse). That’s how I’ve felt concerning all of this. I have lived in fear that if I can’t figure out why that relationship happened in the first place, how can I prevent myself from feeling that way again? I have lived in fear of people finding out what I did. I have lived in fear of people rejecting me if they knew. I have lived in fear of getting “too close” to someone, because what if I don’t know what “too close” is until it’s too late?

Even though I’ve never had another relationship like that with a woman, I still sometimes live in fear that I will someday wish I could. Satan knows that, and he takes advantage of every opportunity that he can to pump some more fear into me. These are just a couple of ways that I have seen fear creeping into my life because of all of this:

• I have to be very careful about the movies that I watch. If there is anything “provocative” in a movie that I see – that same fear kicks in. If this happens, I will have terrible dreams later that night that I wouldn’t even dare try to describe to you. I wake up feeling like I have done so many horrible things, when I hadn’t really done anything at all.
• My friendships have been next to none. If any of you have read my blog before, you know that I have talked about the “superficial relationships” that I seem to always have. This is one of the main reasons why; I was just not able to say that – until now. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been able to make some really good friends despite the fear I have to deal with. I’m learning that fear is just that…FEAR. It doesn’t make anything true. Now that I’m rooted and grounded in a life with Jesus, I’m realizing that I don’t need to be afraid anymore. I find my joy, in Him. When I’m lonely and feeling unloved…I go to Him!
• I have been afraid that if people knew what I have done, they would judge me or would “hit the road” as quickly as they could.

I have searched around a lot to find a book or website about all of this that is coming from a Christian perspective. There is practically nothing out there that I have found. There are tons of resources available for men, but there’s not too many out there for women. That is another reason why I’m writing this post. I know that there are women (and men) out there that deal with this like I do. There has to be. There are very few people in the Christian community who talk about this. It’s not exactly a conversation to have over dinner! That doesn’t mean that it isn’t a problem, though. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t women (and men) who are struggling with this and have no idea what to do about it. They love God. They want to feel like they can live a life without this huge “secret” in their lives. Who can they turn to, though? I know that I have felt unable to talk about this with any pastor I’ve ever had, until now. It can feel so lonely when you don’t know of anyone who understands what you’re going through. It can leave you feeling like something is incredibly wrong with you. Taking the chance of exposing this “secret” can mean losing a friendship. I do have to say that there is one thing that I have learned since confessing this to a few people. When you talk about it, the power it has over you becomes less and less. SATAN LOVES SECRETS. He loves them, because secrets keep people from being healed. Secrets keep people in bondage. Secrets keep you feeling condemned. When you are able to talk to a pastor, counselor, or other Christian individual who will pray with you and believe for your healing, it is brought out into the light. It may seem incredibly uncomfortable at first (like turning on a light after you’ve been in a dark room). But when it’s brought out into the light, Satan’s grip on you becomes weakened. When your sins are exposed (no matter what they are), God is able to start the healing process.

What is a Christian supposed to do when in the middle of this type of battle? I will be talking about this in detail in my next post.  Click HERE to read part 3.