Complete Surrender

Complete surrender...

Just writing that makes me squirm in my seat. God has called me (all of us) to completely surrender our lives to Him. This includes not just our daily activities and future, but what's in our hearts. As anyone who has read my blog even once in the last several months knows, I desire with all of my heart to give birth to my sweet little girl without having a c-section. I had a c-section with my son, and it was a less than desirable event. I didn't get to hold him for at least 4 hours after he was born, because I was taken to the recovery room for awhile, and then my spinal wore off before I got any other pain meds. I was in too much pain to hold my brand new baby boy. I still can't believe that 4 hours went by before I was even able to try to hold him. My recovery was terrible, and I had such excruciating pain for months afterwards...

I knew that my husband and I were going to try to have another child after Joshua. I held onto the hope that I would be able to have a vaginal delivery with our next child. It's something that my body was designed to do, and I just have an undescribable "ache" to experience it. Well, little Anna is still breech at this point, and I'm due to have another c-section in a little less than 2 weeks...

I have gone through every emotion possible over this. The main emotion would definitely have to be anger, though. I have been angry with God. I have been angry with myself. I have been angry with my doctors. I have been angry with other mothers who just want to be drugged up and not feel anything during labor, not even caring how they give birth, when I feel like I would do anything just to experience what they are able to during labor and delivery. I have been angry at those mothers who get to see their child being born and then have their child placed on their chest immediately after birth. I have been angry with everyone who has told me to just be grateful for what I have...

I had hopes of the doctor trying to turn the baby by something called an external version (I had this done with my son, but it didn't work.) I just found out last week that they are not willing to do this because I have had a previous c-section. My heart sank to the floor when I realized that I have run out of options. I'm running out of time.

To be perfectly honest, this whole situation is (again) making me realize that I always seem to have this nagging feeling that God doesn't consider me. I feel like He hears me, but it's put on the "back burner" for later, or...never. I know in my head that this is not true, but my heart still struggles with this when I come across situations that are very difficult for me. I start to feel like this is a "game", and God will not move on my behalf until I figure out what the missing piece is to win.

Today as I was thinking about all of this, I decided to get on the computer and catch up on my blog reading. I have never had God speak to me through someone else's blog like he did this afternoon. WOW! I felt convicted the whole way through reading it, but I'm glad, because I needed it.

I need to completely surrender my heart's desires to God. No matter what, His ways are higher than mine. This doesn't mean that I have to stop believing for what I desire, but it DOES mean that I need to trust that God will do what He knows to be best; and I need to accept that. He is God, and I will not stop serving Him just because I don't get my own way.

Ronel's blog is one of my favorites, and it's called, Mommy Accountability. I encourage you to read her post titled, "Release" if you've ever struggled to surrender your heart and dreams to God, like I seem to continually do! Thank you, Ronel, for sharing your heart when you did!