Friendships

Today I want to talk about friendships. This is something that has been on my mind a lot, lately. Some women (including my mother) have had a friendship that started when they were very young, and this friendship continues to blossom well into adulthood. I think that kind of friendship much be such a rare but wonderful blessing. I, though, have not been so fortunate to have this type of friendship. I seem to be someone that has had a great need and desire for close friendships over my life, but I cannot say I have attained this very well. I believe this is partly to circumstances out of my control, and partly my own fault. Growing up through elementary school, most of my friends moved away at one time or another. Later on, I had two really close friends in high school. By my early twenties, both of those friendships had faded away to nothing. All through my twenties and so far in my thirties, I have struggled to make and maintain real friendships. I'm talking about friendships that go beyond the surface level. The last friendship I had in high school was not a healthy one. To make a very long story short, I can tell you that somehow or another it became a very exclusive friendship that didn't allow anyone else in. Looking back, I can now look at this relationship and recognize it as an emotionally dependent relationship (on both of our parts). This has troubled me for years afterwards, because I wasn't sure how I got myself into such a mess in the first place. This caused me to put up HUGE walls to protect myself from this ever happening again. What I did, though, was shut out everyone. I became the "queen" of surface relationships. If a new person in my life started to show too much interest by calling me too often, I backed way off until they didn't try to call me anymore. On the other hand, I found myself constantly questioning how much time was too much time to spend with someone. Was I wanting to spend too much time with someone? What was normal? That may sound crazy to some people, but when you go through the draining experience of having an emotionally dependent relationship, you start to question what normal even is. I'm still trying to figure that out.

God has really started to work on my life in this area of friendships over the last year. Or, I SHOULD say, I have finally LET God work in my life in this area over the last year. I still find myself putting up the same walls, though. I wish I wouldn't do this, because my heart literally cries out for the connection that true Godly friendships can bring. The other day, I realized just how much I need this, despite the walls that I have put up. I found out that a friend of mine, who just had surgery, was staying with another friend for a couple days while she was recovering. They are both single women with no children, so it was fairly easy for them to arrange this for a couple of days. When I found out about this, my heart sank to the floor. At first I didn't know why. Then I realized that I was envious. I know, it's a sin to envy. But, at least I recognized it this time! I started thinking about all of the time they would have to just talk and share their hearts with each other, and I started to cry. It just made me realize that I rarely ever have that. There are very few times that I get to sit and talk with someone without my toddler running circles around us. Many of the people I know have young children, also, and this just adds to the chaos. It's good chaos (if that makes sense!), but it's not chaos that's good for fostering relationships. I know that I need to make more of a point to go out without my son. That's easier said than done. But, I still could get much better at trying! I'm realizing that I long for the type of friendship where someone would just call me to see how I'm doing. Just to talk. No agenda, no specific reason for calling...just to talk. I realize, though, that I also need to be willing to pick up the phone and do the same thing! My constant thoughts of not wanting to "bother" anyone need to be squelched. I'm realizing more and more that the walls I built to protect myself are now hurting me.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share what has been on my heart lately. This was a difficult post to write, because I had to knock down a lot of walls to write it, but I'm glad I did!